Mikey Lowell. Who is Mikey Lowell? Well, he's the former Red Sox third baseman known to the rest of the world as Mike Lowell. And though I always think of, and refer to him, as Cuban, the unimpeachable sorce of all knowledge which is wikipedia informs me that though his parents were from Cuba, Mr Lowell himself was born in Puerto Rico and has always considered himself as Puerto Rican. That's me told, then.
A few years ago, a friend of mine was discussing some new seats the Red Sox were putting in on the third base side of the park and the exorbitant price they were going to charge for said seats. Being me, I said, "Pffft. I would only pay that for baseball tickets if they included Mike Lowell performing cunnilingus on me in-between innings" and a private joke was born. Let me make clear, before that conversation I had no particular sexual fantasies about Mr Lowell. He was one of my favorite Sox players and a good-looking gentleman, but he only got drawn into my little sex joke because those seats were on the third base side and so was he. (Imagine if the seats had been in right field. I could have made that joke about J.D. "Nancy" Drew. It's too horrible to contemplate.) As time went on, however, and the joking reference was perpetuated amongst certain of my friends, I indeed started thinking of Mikey with lustful intent and he became one of my celebrity boyfriends. (Oh, hush. You know you have a list of celebs you would do, no questions asked, if the chance arose.) I also started calling him Mikey for reasons that are unclear. Lulz.
Anyway, here are some pictures so you can see what we're dealing with here.
Bro hug of happiness.
Holding a trophy.
Admit it, you'd do him.
Oh, alright, here's his beautiful wife. Fine.
And just to prove that some things improve with age like fine wine: